Where are the Successful Marriages?

Almost 15 years ago, I had attended a leadership seminar pertaining to "success in marriage". The couple speaking appeared genuine and I've always considered them to be the template for relationships.

After decades of marriage, the 2 of them have split and my view on marriage got shattered with it.

While I've seen long term marriages, I have never encountered a marriage that was, what I would consider to be, a successful one. There's no intimacy, no happiness - just strangers sharing a house. This is made worse with the rise of personal devices and people preferring to numb themselves rather than face problems with their partners.

Nagging Spouse

"A spouse can be your greatest ally or your most formidable adversary-chose daily which one you'll be."

-Unknown

Having a nagging/adversary/confrontational partner may be forgiven when we're attracted to them but it becomes increasingly difficult to deal with as the attractiveness fades. If a relationship is a boat then both have to row in unison in order to get anywhere.

Does nagging someone ever get anywhere?

Self improvement is one of the most difficult things to do even when we're inspired or encouraged to do so... Do we really believe that anyone can change simply by being angry at them? Change has to come from within and while a spouse can help they certainly can't force anyone, but themselves, to change.

There's nothing wrong with voicing out our concerns but if it's constant then it could be a problem with you.

Not The Relationship I Want

For every successful marriage I've seen, I found 9 that were unsuccessful. While they may not of given up on the vow, they've given up on trying to find happiness within it. Instead of spending time growing closer together they looked for flaws in each other with the aim to change them which created, over time, resentment rather than love.

"Human nature dictates that angriness, boredom and/or irritation will end any relationship given enough time."
-unknown

These bad relationships, filled with daily torture sessions, brings out the worse version of those involved. How can you possibly find happiness when there's frequent negativity in the home?

"Success in marriage is more than finding the right person; it is being the right person."

-Robert Browning

Choosing who to marry is the most important decision in life but we have to keep in mind that the only person we have control over is ourselves. Many will say that relationships have to be 50/50 but why not give it your 100%? It's not about what your partner can do for you but what you can do for them. Some days, you may not be able to give more than 20% but maybe they'll be able to compensate by giving 60%. The point here is, of course, not to do things solely to get even; Do what is necessary regardless of "who's turn" it is.

"If you are not honest with yourself, you will not be capable of honesty with others. Self-deception is the enemy of relationships. It also undermines personal growth. If a person does not admit his shortcomings, he cannot improve." 

-John C. Maxwell

The below are book recommendation for those wanting to be better partners to their spouse.

• "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman
• "Personality Plus" by Florence Littauer
• "His needs her needs" by Willard F. Harley
• "The 5 Language of Apology" by Gary Chapman

"Unspoken assumptions and unexpressed expectations are common relationship “deal-breakers. But when you are willing to learn to express yourself by clarifying assumptions and expectations you will find more happiness and less stress in your relationships."

-Sarah Zink

There's Always Going to Be Someone Better

When in a relationship you can always find someone "better" if you keep looking. They're not necessary better, but they're new and exciting - just like a new car. Once the excitement is gone... onwards to the next relationship and the cycle continues until such time as the desire to do so is still there.

"The grass is greener where you water it."

-Neil Barringham

The choice of a partner is the most important decision that we can make. If we don't find someone that adds to our peace then our life will become miserable. While there's always a possibility that we're still looking because we feel like we've made the "wrong choice" it's also possible that we're just bored and looking for something new and exciting which doesn't, usually, end up with anything meaningful. 

You can't go back on these decisions.

There's always going to be someone better which is why that, at some point, we must decide to no longer pursue another mate if, of course, there's desire to build a long/lasting relationship.

The person who's comfortable being alone tends to think more clearly about his association as they don't want anyone that would disturb their peace too much. Once older, we're also prone to be more careful with our intimate association as our testosterone level (men) are lower which, again, is something that allows us to think more clearly about relationships.

Arguments in Relationships

While dating, the arguments that would arise were about things that didn't warrant an argument, at least not from my perspective. I find these pain points/arguments from relationships in my entourage as well and can't help but feel like nobody knows how to get along anymore. I get a sense that relationships are fuelled by emotional immaturity rather than a true desire to be with someone.

"Emotional immaturity in relationships often manifests as difficulty handling conflicts, lack of empathy, and poor communication skills. With the rise of digital communication, some argue that people might not develop the same depth of interpersonal skills as before, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts."
-Copilot, A.I. assistant

One of my mentor once told me that, in relationships, what's most important is to pick your battles - not everything warrants an arguments. The important part is to focus on the big picture. The issue with this logic is different people value different things. The battles worth fighting, for one person, may not be considered as such from another.
I remember this one instance where I had done the dishes and my girlfriend at the time came for her "inspection" and found some items that weren't cleaned to her liking - an argument ensued which I didn't feel was warranted.

Arguments in relationships aren't things that we can opt-out of. If you, or your partner, wants to argue about something then there will be an argument about it. You can't control your partner however you get to decide what your arguments are going to be about - choose wisely.

Someone Else' Perspective

“…all people see the world, not as it is, but as they are.”

-Stephen R. Covey

An important part of understanding each other is found in the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes in order to see the world as they see it.

An anxious person will see things to be anxious about. A happy person sees things that foster happiness. An angry person will see things that make them angry.

This is a strategy I have to use at work. I know, for example, the details of my instructions can differ greatly depending on who the recepient is as people understand the project differently.

A little consideration for others can go a long way in creating synergy. If we saw more things, from someone else's perspective, the world would be a better place.

War Has Changed?

Many species on Earth wage wars however we're the only specie that can choose not to and it's entirely possible that we'll, eventually, favor lasting peace over war.

Who said that war doesn't change?

We can see a glimpse of this peaceful future by the sort of rules we've created for waging wars. We've restricted the weapons that we can use, the sort of punishment we can do on prisoners, we don't allow unnecessary destruction of civilian housing, we allow temporary truce in the middle of a conflict for aid to go through...

War is still has painful as it ever was but we have deemed it necessary to restrict ourselves on some things and that restriction can either grow to the point of lasting peace or decrease to the point of anarchy. 

We live in a relatively peaceful time in our history. Violence, in democracy/industrialized society, is not as prevalent as it once was. We've created global alliances that greatly reinforced the relationship between countries and, at the same time, decrease conflict between them. 

Hopefully we can maintain this trend and find ways to get along.

How Dating Change With Age

(Image created by A.I. DALL-E/Bing)

Dating changes as we get older. The biggest of these changes is perhaps the willingness to present our real self from the start rather than who we think the other person will like. We do this because we come to realize that life is finite and our window of opportunity in finding a suitable mate is closing - finding a quality, rather than quantity, partner becomes increasingly important the older that we get.

While being physically attracted to a partner remains important, especially for men, we do come to realize that physical appearance is fleeting and will degrade with age. We know this because we see the degradation in ourselves. Life is slowly eating away at our youthfulness leaving behind gray hair and dry skin.

Some qualities we may come to value more, in our partner, as we age are:

• Kindness - Being kind is more difficult than being mean. Kindness shows that the person wishes to make good in the world and will likely add value to your life.
• Financial Stability/Discipline - Having a stable financial situation is better for relationships than not having a stable financial situation. The relationship is more likely to be peaceful if there's no needless debts.
• Sensitive to One's Own Health - Physical/mental health is an important part of the human experience. If you're dating someone that fail to see its importance then chances are high that you will need to deal with some form of negativity caused by it.
• Eternal Student - Nobody has all the answers. The student of life is someone that understands that learning doesn't end when high school ends - it ends when the student is dead. The person that is willing to learn will be more opened to learning/fixing relationship issues rather than push the blame.

In case you haven't noticed, the common theme of these qualities is peace. Whether it be intentional or not, peace is what we ultimately want as its the birthplace of happiness.

Keep the Relationship Problems Private

(Image created by A.I. DALL-E/Bing)

In the age of Social Media, it's fairly easy to share whatever may be going on with the rest of your entourage but not everything needs to be shared - relationship problems being one of them. Issues between you and your partner should remain private as exposing them may have a negative impact on the dynamics of the relationship.

Spending a lot of time with a person is bound to expose the failing of their characters. If your partner truly is one of the most important person in your life then what use is there for you to be speaking ill of them? The only thing this would do is bring them down through the eyes of others and reinforcing the negatives within your own mind.

According to the Bible, the sixth Commandment is "Thou shalt not kill". If you're speaking ill of your partner, you are "killing" his reputation to the eyes of others. The Golden Rule is ""Do unto others as you would have them do unto you..." I doubt you would like it if your partner spoke ill of you.

When sharing things about your partner, share only the good - keep the negative private as these problems are only for the both of you to work on.

How Addictions Kills Relationships...

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The biggest problem with addictions is that we don't see them as addictions. After all, if we feel love, or happiness, towards something then how can that thing be bad?

Since we all have 24 hours in a day, it means that we have a limited amount of time that we can dedicate to everything that matters to us with some of that time already allocated to other things such as:

• 8 hours of sleep.
• 8 hours of work.
• 1-3 hours food.
• ...

Which leaves about 5-6 hours of "personal" time left. If there's an addiction then that's additional time that will be taken away from you. 

The 24 hour period is important to note here as it means that we're limited in what we can do, or think, in a given day. Since most of that time is guaranteed to be allocated to other things then there really isn't much "personal" time left. 

If the time remaining is dedicated to an addiction, rather than relationships, then how can a relationship be nurtured if there's no time/effort dedicated to it?

Addictions kills relationships by taking over the mind. It's a poison that takes over the limited amount of thoughts, available in a given day, that would of otherwise went towards the relationships. 

If there's something in your life that takes precedents, daily, over your relationships then you may need to work on forcing it out in order to prioritize the relationships... otherwise you're going to end up alone.

A Relationship Not Based on Trust Isn't A Relationship

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I can't say I'm a fan of most types of relationships I see in the world today as most look immature. Contrary to, what appears to be, popular belief; jealousy isn't a sign of love but lack of trust. Trust is the foundation of a good relationship - not jealousy. Having a partner set "boundaries" in a relationship is in the same family as jealousy is. A relationship where a person isn't allowed to do what they want to do is a prison and prisoners often want to escape such things.

If you are in a committed relationship then you shouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize it but you should be setting your own boundaries more so than your partner setting them up for you. The sorts of boundaries you set on yourself should be similar to what you expect your partner's self imposed boundaries to be: The "Golder Rule" applies here.

If you like to sleep around, then either find a partner that is okay with that or stay single instead of getting in a relationship and hiding from your partner. 

"The grass is greener where you water it." 

-Neil Barringham 

Perhaps the most annoying thing about modern relationships is how easily it can be destroyed. There's barely any foundation to them - the slightest earthquake and the entire thing falls down. Dating apps have made it easy to simply "swipe left/right" and move on to the next pretty/new face. 

To be fulfilled in a relationship requires work as nothing worthwhile is never easy. I haven't met anybody that told me a relationship is easy or that the "honeymoon" phase lasted for them. While communication is important, perhaps self-improvement is the key for a successful relationship. It's about growing as individuals and together.

Keep on learning!

Relationships Aren't What they Used to Be

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 According to TheConversation.com, the Greeks came up with the idea of soulmates stating "Aristophanes states that humans originally had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces. He continues that there were three genders: man, woman and the “Androgynous”. Each with two sets of genitalia with the Androgynous having both male and female genitalia.” Zeus, apparently, separated the two halves and the term "Soulmates" is what you call the two halves that found each other.

Whether or not you believe in "Soulmates" doesn't change the fact that how we approach our relationships today isn't the same as it used to be. 

• Humans used to have a lifespan of 30 years making it easier to commit to a marriage as it wouldn't typically last as long.
• Marriage is a religious concept but today we marry without religion. Instead of making a marrital promise to God/Friends/Family we only make promises to Friends/Family and that promise inevitably carry less weight without God, or religious beliefs, attached to it.
• The economy has changed which, in turn, changed the roles of each individuals in the relationship. We haven't adapted properly to this change.
• The focus is no longer on each other. Too much work/entertainment/devices/dating apps/financial struggle that keeps the attention away from our spouse.
• We're more pleasure seeking than we used to be. We date because we're bored more so that to find a suitable mate. We are more likely to leave a relationship if we become bored within it.
• We expect the other person to make us happy but the responsibility is on us to find our own happiness. While the spouse should definitely want their partner's happiness, they can't be responsible for it in its entirety.
• Family life isn't as big of a priority as it used to be. Whether it be economics, global catastrophe, or other, there's a sense of hopelessness making us rethink how we approach relationships and whether or not we even want to bring a child into this world.
• Too much focus on how we look and not enough on how we think. Vanessa Quitero once said "Exterior beauty, without the depth of a kind soul is merely decoration."
• For men, the risk of marriage outweighs the rewards as he's more likely to be on the loosing end of a divorce.

Is being single worse than being in a relationship? 

That's a question that we all need to ask ourselves and the answer to it largely depends on who's willing to jump into the relationship adventure with us. If it's someone that understand that relationships requires work,, from both sides, then maybe there's a chance that it'll be successful. We also need to keep in mind that being single does carry it's own set of risks as well. Sometimes the decision is about choosing the lesser of 2 evils.

Forget About It!

I've had a recent interaction with someone who proceeded to tell me that I had offended her in similar ways 2-3 times in the past few weeks perhaps thinking that the increasing amount of offenses signaled a pattern that I had to fix with increased urgency. While you can be upset with someone, you can't carry around a list to throw at their faces every time an offense is committed. 

This is an issue we often see with longer term relationships which causes a lot of the same fights. It's perfectly normal to be upset with somebody but most of these offences don't need to be saved as ammunition for future fights

The longer you are with somebody the higher the chances that you'll find things to get upset with them. 

Don't make a list, forgive and forget.

On the opposite side of the coin, it's important for the person on the receiving end of these comments to sometime work on themselves in order to become a better person. If your spouse come to you to tell you that it's the third time you left the toilet seat up this month then you need to consider the frustration and make the necessary change. If you care about your spouse, you want to learn what makes them tick and grow to be a better version of yourself for that person.

Old Couple - Same Old Fights

Long term relationships, something I've only ever seen from afar, seems to have their fair share of fights that are just repeats of older ones. Even though I've never experienced this myself, just hearing about it from friends and family, over and over again, is tiresome. I can only imagine how tiresome it must be for those involved.

While I can certainly understand that couples sometime fight, having the same fights over and over again seems to suggest that there's an unwillingness, from either side, to do anything with the problem. When neither make compromises, or take responsibility, over the issue then they allow it to remain. It's not about finding who's at fault as much as it is to find peace. Every situation requires a solution tailored to the problem. Communication is key!

Some people seem to be more comfortable in having the same fights, over and over again, than to make the change necessary to for peace. For someone like me, who wants peace out of life, this isn't an acceptable situation to be in. I either need to be with someone who can workout the issues with me or let me be alone.

Are Family Gatherings Disappearing?

I've been feeling a bit nostalgic as of late in regards to my family. What I'm noticing is that my aunt and uncles are meeting at least once a year. They've built this tight knit bond throughout their lives and it's been great for them. What I'm also noticing is that their sons/daughters, including myself, have not been so keen to keep in contact with each other. I fear that once the "baby boomers" generation of my family will move on to the next life that there won't be anyone to take over the family gatherings.

On my mother's side, the family had built camps near a river where we would meet, for a week at a time, every summer. The week would be filled with fun and games but what I remember more vividly is the family "prison". The prison, which was at the center of all the camps, was a place where you could put family members for "misbehaving" (swearing, lost at a game, and other silliness..) or you could pay to have someone arrest them. To get out, someone also had to pay and the money raised was use to help pay for the food and activities. It was a pretty fun, and original, way to raise funds for the events.

These events stopped about 25 years ago as key people have either move other places or passed away.

On my father's side, there's a big family BBQ every year during the long weekend in August. This has been going on for as long as I remember and I wouldn't miss it for the world. While not as elaborate as what we had on my mother's side it is still great fun and a perfect opportunity to get in touch with those that you don't get to see as much.
The BBQ has been going strong for at least 40 years but I fear we're nearing the end of that event as well as most key people are reaching an age where their bodies are failing them.

The BBQ on my father's side, and the odd gatherings during Christmas time, is all that's left. Realistically, the children of the family are not setup to take over those events.

Emotionally Distant

In a relationship, the physical location of your partner doesn't matter as much as how close you are, from an emotional perspective, with that person. Being emotionally distant is worse than being physically distant. The emotional distance can be such that those involve may start living separate lives even while living under the same roof.

It has been said that time heals all wounds but feeling emotionally distant is like the wound getting re-opened and made worse over time. If no action is done by either party to close that gap then time will make things worse - not better. It's a vicious cycle that's difficult to break.

If you are in an emotionally distant relationship remember this:

"The grass is greener where you fertilize it." -Lana Hamilton

This isn't the time for you to be thinking about getting off the ship. If you don't know how to close that gap it will happen again in your future relationships. Now is the time for you to be looking for help - the following are suggested avenues to consider:

• Couple Counseling - Couple counseling may help you identify the problem as well as develop a plan tailored for you and your partner to work on. This, obviously, requires your partner to be "on board" with the idea as well.
• Books - For some, counseling is out of the question but another good way to get ideas on how to fix problems in our lives is via books. "The 5 love languages" and "Love & Respects" are good books to help give idea on how to heal relationships.
• Far away Vacation - Being in an entirely new environment will force you to communicate to your partner in order to get around places. The forced teamwork may, in some cases, help renew the love. It is also possible to participate in "couple's retreat" type of vacation that are specifically tailored to help couples.
• Share with A Friend - Share your problems with a friend that you know will help you fix the current relationship and not entice you to end it. What is good to have is a different perspective of the issue and some friends are good at giving you those while others will just tell you to "call it quits". While it's true that there are plenty of fish in the sea it's not necessarily the time for you to start fishing again.

Remember that changing partners will only fix the problem momentarily. It's important to identify, and attempt to resolve the issue, in your current relationship so that it doesn't happen again in the future. If you're able to figure it out you'll feel closer to your partner like never before. Good luck!

Here We Go Again - "We've Grown Apart"

"We've grown apart" is a sad excuse for a break-up considering that we all change as the days turn into months and the months turn into years. Nobody can say that they are the same today as they were 10 years ago. So why are we using the "We've grown apart" as the reason for a break-up? Are we expecting that we, or our spouse, will never change?

Of course you will feel that you've grown apart from your partner if you stopped noticing, and adapting, to the changes. Don't assume that what your partner likes, or dislikes, today is the same as yesterday.

"The grass is greener where you fertilize it." -Lana Hamilton

It's important to pay attention to the small things and to find things to like about our partner because we could just as easily find new things to hate about them.
Remember that changing partner doesn't necessarily means that the problems will go away ... it will just be different problems. The grass isn't greener on the other side of the road - it's greener where you fertilize it.

Good Books can be Read More than Once

"You are what you think you are. Think more of yourself and there is more of you."
-David J. Schwartz

A little while ago, I went on a few dates with a woman that I felt was out of my league. I didn't flatout tell her this but since it was on my mind she could feel it through my actions.

Soon after, I picked up "The Magic of thinking BIG" book, from David J. Scwartz, (for like the sixth time in the past 10 years) and I'm still amaze at how much I'm getting out of this book. While the book didn't change since it was created; I sure did which explains why I'm getting totally different messages each time I pick it up.
What I got from the book, this time, was simply that I need to focus on the big picture if I want to have the necessary confidence to go through my daily affairs. By focusing on the end result, it gives you the perspective in the present.

Would I be with that person today if I would of applied that philosophy? Who knows? Life is still amazing though so be sure to live it fully!

Feelings to Control

Before we goes to the heart of this post, it is important to differentiate between Feelings and Emotions since most people seems to interchange or confuse the two.

What’s an emotions?
According to imotions.com , emotions “are associated with bodily reactions that are activated through neurotransmitters and hormones released by the brain…”

What’s a feeling?
According to imotions.com, feelings are “originating in the neocortical regions of the brain, feelings are sparked by emotions and colored by personal experiences, beliefs, memories, and thoughts linked to that particular emotion. Strictly speaking, a feeling is the side product of your brain perceiving an emotion and assigning a certain meaning to it.”

A clearer example of the difference between emotions and feelings is when you’re getting slapped. Emotions is the pain that originates from it while feelings is how you react to that pain.

Humans can control their emotions...
This means that humans have control over their feelings which can cast doubts on the sincerity of them. Seeing someone cry doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s sad.
Actors, who are masters at controlling their feelings, uses their acting skills for the purpose of entertaining an audience. They cry when their fictional son dies so that we also feel sad about it.

Some uses their feelings as a way to exercise control over people for malicious reasons. They show remorse even when they do not feel like it. They cry when they do not feel like crying.

Why do they do this?
They do so for their benefits. Because they don’t want to take responsibility. Because they want you to think that they are innocent.

How can you tell if someone is controlling you?
Some are better than others at controlling their feelings so it’s not always possible to tell if they are sincere or not in the moment. In some cases, the more time spent with someone the better you’ll become at identifying how sincere the feelings conveyed are.

"We need to talk"

If you’ve been in a relationship, then you likely heard the phrase “We need to talk” or “I need to figure things out”... this is a very bad sign. Usually, a “decision” has been made and that decision will be shared whether you like it or not. It’s definitely not a good moment to go through but we all have to go through those every now and then.

Things to remember:

• This is serious. Remain calm and remember that your partner likely spent a lot of time thinking through everything. This is a serious discussion. This is not the time to be a smart ass and make jokes.
• Listen attentively with a spirit of understanding. This isn’t the time to criticize, condemn or play the blame game. There’s an issue at hand and you need to know what your role was in all this.
• Be at peace with the fact that this may be the end of the relationship. Hearing this type of news is obviously going to shake you to your core (if it doesn’t then maybe that’s why it ended?). Remember that the stress generated from the news will make you act rashly. What you say, or do, in the moment may sound right but you will likely end up regretting it later.
• Ask for a timeout from the conversation. Take your things and go for a car ride, clear your head and choose your next words carefully.
• Do what it takes to make the relationship works but remember that, if it was to end, you will survive.

Now here’s the thing, I know all of the above but in the spur of the moment it rarely goes like that and there are always things that I have said that I ended up regretting. We can still try to apply these things but we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves if we fail at them… maybe let’s pay better attention during our relationship so that we do not come to these situations?